This week we have been dealing with a variety of loss. Grandpa Butikofer passed away. I am grateful to have met him, and am grateful for the legacy of faith and testimony that he left. James is particularly grateful that his grandfather is now reunited with his sweetheart.
I am in the midst of my second miscarriage. I postponed getting the physical care I needed. After a trip to the emergency room, I realized that this is not going to be a simple process. And that I need help. I still have more follow-up visits, but am grateful for the help I was able to get, and am more confident that I am on the road to recovery now. Our first miscarriage was a fairly quick discovery - no heartbeat on our first ultrasound. The concern this time has been more drawn out... with some light, then heavier, then extremely heavy bleeding. We were hopeful for a while that things might still be okay. While one miscarriage is often "normal" and I was told not to be concerned, I have found this second miscarriage to be quite depressing. I am of course concerned what it may mean for additional chances to have a successful pregnancy. I have also had other difficult emotions to deal with. It took me a little while to realize the source. In 2005 I had someone I love die. In 2007 I met someone, and found many similarities to the relationship and the circumstances. I had a fear that he might too die, but told myself that there was no need to make that comparison and that it was an unreasonable expectation. Unfortunately I did experience that double whammy of a loss. With my first pregnancy, my brother and his wife were also pregnant at the same time. "Ironically" they also miscarried at the same time. With this recent pregnancy, another brother and his wife are also pregnant. In addition to my own heartache, I have been distraught that they too might experience a similar loss. There are things we can control and things we cannot. I am so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven. It is supremely comforting to know that He is in control. He knows our weaknesses, our fears, our perspectives, and what we need. I am so grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost. I am so grateful for the priesthood power. I am so grateful for eternal families. I am so grateful for the many reminders of how precious this life is. I am so grateful for first, second, and third chances.
I'm so sorry. You are so strong, I really admire your faith. The fear of loss can sometimes be almost harder than the original loss. After my late miscarriage last year, my subsequent pregnancy was really difficult emotionally because I was so afraid of losing that baby too. Then when he had problems breathing in the weeks after he was born and he seemed to try to leave us a few times, it was super hard to not be completely anxious all the time. Now I'm trying to have more faith, like you, and trust in Heavenly Father and His plan for me. You will be in my prayers.
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